So I’ve always wanted to find out what comes out of those vending machines in gas station bathrooms. No, not the tampon/pad dispensers that are always out of order: the ones that promise colored, flavored, extra-nubbly, glow-in-the-dark condoms.
Well, on the drive from Austin to San Jose I found myself in Nevada, having done my business, three quarters in hand, ready to unlock the mysteries of the gas station bathroom condom dispenser.
Little did I know that I was about to discover an oft-neglected but clearly essential front to the War on Terror: novelty condoms. Yes, dear reader, you no longer have to be content to express your patriotism merely through Osama bin Laden toilet paper. Now you can purchase anti-terrorist condoms.
Yes, it’s the Standard Terrorist’s Helmet: Standard Issue for All the Little Pricks, complete with limp rifle graphic. Ha ha! Stupid terrorists!
Then, the patriotic humor continues on the sides of the package:
Caution: May Fall Off—the laughs continue! Stupid terrorists!
Flip it over, and there’s more on the back:
… which is where we see the true brilliance of this groundbreaking anti-terror strategy: Directions: Not Needed Since Most Terrorist Can’t Read and Caution: This product is usually too large for most terrorist.
See, we’re going to fool the terrorists into learning incorrect grammar, so that after hours of studying the back of their standard issue “helmets” they’ll stumble out of their holes and start confusing singular and plural nouns.
They’ll stick out like bloody sore thumbs! Stupid terrorists!